Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
