Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
