My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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