Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
