Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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