So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize