god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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