stop calling my apartment porn island.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
