if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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