I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
