I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
