shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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