remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize