Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
