I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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