You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
