you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
