Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
