I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i came on her dog
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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