I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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