New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
