I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish i was in the wii world.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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