I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
