I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
