So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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