I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
its not stalking. its research.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
