If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
