My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
