You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
