if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
