Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
