he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize