...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
