I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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