How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
