Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
