So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
