I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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