fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
