Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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