Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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