So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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