if i can run in heels then i can drive
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
