I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
