I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
