i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
