I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
