Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
