if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
