Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize