just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
