Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
