i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm like, not good at living.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
