if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
