The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
