So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
