I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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